“I’m not sure what you’re trying to do.”
“I’m trying to print! Control-P-Print!”
“Ah, but there’s something you haven’t done.”
“What? Tell me what it is! I’ll do it! I’ll do it!”
“No, I can’t tell you.”
~ Eddie Izzard (having an imaginary conversation with his computer), Glorious

In the very early 90′s when I first started monkeying around with graphics, the programs I learned to use were Corel Draw on Mac and Microsoft Paintbrush. I have zero artistic talent, no eye for perspective, no understanding of framing or light source — but, I am a good mimic and I can develop techniques of craft in place of talent. My method of learning, however, is often hindered by the fact that I learn dramatically better with one-on-one instruction. When left to my own devices of gleaning from source material without the ability to ask questions specific to my process, my learning curve is handicapped to the point where I’m often simply discouraged from trying. This creates a feedback loop, as my desire to not inconvenience friends or associates by asking them to take the time to instruct me often crashes into my desire to learn or try new things. Basically, I need an ever-patient AI to tirelessly hold my hand and walk me through all I want to learn to make me happy. And, if the AI could be programmed with the late, great Majel Barrett’s vocal tracks that would rock my world. Someone get on that, will you?

At any rate, an amusing artifact of my learning process is the fact that I have an almost creepy loyalty to the tools I learn on. Even once I’ve developed new skills and adapted to superior tools, I have a tendency to fall back on the archaic out-of-date programs because they fill me with nostalgic happy and make me feel comfortable while pimping my creative energies in new directions.

I was an Apple girl until the late 80s because even though I played with PCs, they felt foreign and overly complicated to me; why drive a stick when you’ve learned on an automatic? It wasn’t until a friend sat down with me for a two hour session and taught me some basics of DOS and Windows when I hopped over to PC. To this day, however, I have fond memories of my Apple IIe clone and my first Mac and when I get back to a place where I can be frivolous with money, I fully intend to create a nook in my house that has an Apple IIe and Atari 2600 sitting side by side to feed my retrogaming lust. Why? Because Taipan! and Adventure just aren’t the same on emulators. That’s why.

Anyway. Where were we? Oh, yes, my creepy loyalty to obsolesce.

In the early 2000′s, when I first began making textures for The Sims and website graphics, Sabrina held me at gunpoint and forced me to learn Paint Shop Pro because when she discovered what I was using at the time, her geek sensibilities were revolted. The program she taught me on was Paint Shop Pro 6.0. I *still* use it to this day from time to time when I just need a quick and dirty edit on a small, simple file. However in late 2002, another beloved soul in my life (who happens to be a professional artist) insisted on giving me Adobe Photoshop 101. The version at the time was Photoshop 7.0, and even though I have CS versions on my computer with their bells and whistles, I still open up Photoshop 7.0 90% of the time when I start a new project.

Shut up. It’s a sickness. Something about my brain and comfortable territory.

The good news is that, most of the time, when someone takes their time to instruct me, I have a one-trial learning process — which is to say once I “get it” no one ever has to show me again and I never forget (barring the occasional need for refreshers after long periods between employing knowledge). Further, I can be a quick study unless there is a lot of higher level math involved or I’m wading completely out of my depth. Unfortunately, however, these boons only apply to human-instructed knowledge. Knowledge I’ve had to research on my own or eke out for myself does not enjoy such preeminence in my gray matter. I have no idea why. The majority of my developmental learning happened by myself out of books and resource materials with occasional input from human units — you’d think it would be the other way around.

So when I gutted up and convinced myself that I needed to start experimenting with AV tools, I knew it was going to be bumpy. Once again, I have zero artistic talent outside of the ability to spin the occasional phrase and make it purdy-like. I also am no smooth hand with mouse controls or hot keys, and there’s the fact that the most professional programs I have are a wee bit out of date. Still, if every 14 year old can make a You Tube video, surely I can.

The jury is still out on this. I am not impressed with any of my early attempts and would be utterly discouraged if I felt anyone outside of a small sector of kind eyes and ears were paying attention. There is a benefit to having a personal blogspace and throwing bones into the wind to see how they fall. The augury can take its time and be more patient before casting the final say.

What I have learned this week, is that sometimes you have to accept that you’re an amateur and use amateur tools and ignore all the tutorials that *insist* you have to have the newest, shiniest version of X. After 20 days of weeping, screaming, begging and making lewd gestures at Adobe Premiere to try and woo it to do what I needed, I gave up and Googled foolproof digital home videos. This led me to discover that Windows Movie Maker was already on my computer and was already intended for AV dimwits like me to start on. It comes with training wheels.

What this means for my October Project, is that the process has gone from two hour uploads and hair-pulling guesses about compression and formats to “click, click, done” with the final product being superior in quality and a fraction of the file size.

To my credit I didn’t cry. Although I really, really wanted to. Realizing I’ve been wasting insane amounts of time to produce something of inferior quality *seriously* shakes the pennies from my mental piggie bank. Ah well, we live, we learn, we scream obscenities to the walls, and we move on. Ugly processes can lead to the best results. Or so I keep telling myself.

I am certain that if I continue down this masochistic path and develop my craftiness to shoot and edit AV files, I will look back and wonder how I could ever have been so clueless. I’m also betting Windows Movie Maker will still be something I keep around, in all its lame idiot-proof glory.

And yes, I would like some cheese with my whine. So there.

“Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke.” ~ Benjamin Disraeli

I am still sick. On the mend, happily, but I haven’t really be able to log in for a little over a week. Thankfully, my offline IMs are largely full, because what’s there is a lot of fluttering about this person calling that person this thing and this other thing. Having learned the hard way that controversy generates attention and traffic, I understand why this predominates virtual world behavior. True, an ugly part of me understands the popcorn entertainment value of it, but that’s the ugly part of myself and I know she’s wrong.

In face-to-face interaction getting attention by any means has negative consequences. For one thing, you have a limited number of responders. Behaving out of character in most small company situations will generally have an adverse affect effect which only benefits the “all attention is good attention” types. But in cyberspace, you can type whatever you like and, odds are, someone somewhere will eventually agree with you. This creates a validation loop that pushes the borders of good behavior away from the cost/benefit ratio of most social norms. As such, people lose sight of realistic behavior and can degenerate into caricatures. This is where a commitment to common courtesy, an adherence to personal ethics, and the ability to self-critique come in handy.

No one is perfect. We all slip now and then. More important than trying to be perfect, however, is the recognition of the slip. When you begin to validate your own engagement of negative behavior, you’re on the wrong side of the equation.

I have an ongoing debate with one of my closest confidants who maintains there is no way to influence the behavior of others and so negative behavior exhibited by peers, associates, agitants, or nearby strangers is merely to be endured or ignored. I understand the stance; it’s just not how I was raised. In physical world interaction there are cues we give to demonstrate disapproval. Frowns. Distancing body language. Sighs. When overused, these are passive-aggressive monikers, but far more often these are the indicators that signal when someone is behaving outside tribal norms to help them self-check. Yes, there are times when it is necessary, even brave, to buck those norms. However, that courage is meaningless if the iconoclast is unaware of the lines they are crossing.

There is no courage in lambasting weak individuals and playing pile-on atop the corpse of a horse that’s been flogged to death. There is no courage in anonymous assault. There is no courage in personal attack for the sake of personal attack. There is no courage in manifestos. There is no courage in taking pride in ignorance. There is no courage in rudeness for rudeness sake. Those who try to excuse their bad behavior in the name of “courage” are, mostly just insecure, arrogant children attempting to self-validate. As such, those people should be regarded as children and not elevated by others who should, frankly, know better.

Courage is blogging the truth when the country you live in might very well imprison or kill you for it. Courage is standing up to a mob of anger and fear and calling that anger and fear for what it is. With very few exceptions, courage simply isn’t going to be found by blogging about some person who called you a name or who said they didn’t like your lifestyle. I doubt that there is any real courage to be found in playing virtual paper dolls, but if there is, I call dibs. All joking aside, a little perspective goes a long way in this particular case.

There are bullies in the world, to be certain. But a bully has to have power over you that is beyond your control. The kid who pushes you down because he’s bigger and stronger is a bully. The boss who humiliates you because she knows you need your job is a bully. The make-believe person typing on their vanity blog is not a bully unless you allow them to be one. Calling them one means you are doing two things. First, you are declaring they have power over you. Second, you are establishing yourself as vulnerable to them. Exposing your throat to an individual that destroys happily as a manner matter of course is self-defeating and stupid. Calling them a bully does nothing but try to establish that they have power over you; it makes you a victim of your own insecurity. This is especially true when the game turns into “I know you are, but what am I?”

Unlike my friend, I don’t believe in greeting bad behavior with indifference. At the same time, it is not my place to tell anyone else how to behave. What I can do is demonstrate what is acceptable by my understanding of acceptable and give those who choose to see it the opportunity to self-check against that instead of seeking validation in negative behavior. I think that’s all any of us can do.

It’s not sexy and it won’t generate a lot of blog drama rubbernecking, but it’s real and it’s far more respectful in my book than trying to appease egos that don’t need any more petting.

Tolerance is not acceptance. Silence is often difficult but necessary. We all slip, but we also need to recognize the slip and not champion the fall.

Now I’m having juice and crawling back to bed.

“There is luxury in self reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel no one else has a right to blame us.” ~ Oscar Wilde

For those of you unfamiliar with Sondheim’s Into the Woods, there is a sequence where all the fairy tale characters in their make-believe world begin to blame each other for the tragedy of their current situation, which came about through a series of events and misadventures rooted in desire, foolishness, greed, innocence, innocence lost, guilt, vanity, unresolved issues, and lots of other human failings. It has been foremost in my mind while checking in on the Emerald issue.

If you’re not aware of the Emerald situation, a good-enough summary can be found HERE. For me, this summary is a bit too petting toward the Emerald team, but, well, there’s a lot of that going around. My chain of events goes like this:

A. Linden Lab failed to update their product in a way that met the needs of their user base.
B. A talented, but irresponsible segment of the user base created a third-party project for reasons unknown. This project became known as the Emerald Viewer.
C. Lots of people began to use Emerald, as it provided an improved user experience; few of these people knew anything about the team that created and maintained the project.
D. Questions began to arise regarding the reputation and integrity of the Emerald team and their motivations.
E. Despite there being lots of blogs and “news” about Emerald, no one in the blogosphere bothered to ask some point-blank “on the record” questions to the team (I personally sent two emails attempting to get an interview out of sheer frustration. They were never responded to, but then I don’t pretend to be a reporter or a talk show host so I’m sure I was easily ignored).
F. Despite there being no statement of ethics, obvious untruths in their blog posts, and several other low-grade warning signs, people with credibility spoke in support of Emerald and made it clear it was their viewer of choice.
G. The inevitable happened and a member (or members) of the Emerald team abused the trust of their users in a griefer prank. The prank, while not in itself very interesting or damaging, demonstrates a flagrant disregard for ethics, a lack of basic integrity and employed tactics which engaged an unwitting user base in ridiculously childish (and potentially criminal) behavior.
H. An Emerald team member that few people know from Adam posted an “I’ll fall on my sword even though I really don’t think I did anything wrong” non-apology apology; another Emerald member that few people know from Eve said she was stepping up to the plate to get everything under control. Then didn’t. Feel free to read the Emerald blog for more accurate step by step on this part.
I. Rabble, Rabble, Rabble.
J. Linden Lab issued their mock-outrage “we’ve taken care of this” farce statement while dogs and cats began living together (mass hysteria).
K. People began to issue “aww shucks, they’re just confused kids” type excuses for Emerald’s antics, others posted “we think it’s wrong, but everyone’s being so mean” type excuses, and others went the “they’re all a bunch of Nazis” direction. Because, you know, that’s how the interwebs work.
L. Linden Lab continues to fail to update their product in a way that meets the needs of their user base.

There is not enough facepalm in the world. Seriously.

The problem I have with this situation is that some people I like are on the insanely wrong side of this issue, and some people I find disgustingly vile are on the right side. So it’s frustrating. It’s like when you have to admit that the KKK is entitled to free speech. Yeah, it’s right, bt it makes you feel like you need a bath.

Yet, between all the hate-fueled “I told you so” mocking and the Eeyore “you guys are so mean” pouting, there is very little learning going on. It’s enough to make me climb a bell tower and take a hostage. Why? Because there are lessons here that are getting missed in the exchange and they are THE SAME FUCKING THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN GETTING MISSED ALL ALONG.

So, for next time, can we please review:

1. Linden Lab is not releasing a product that services the needs of their users. The buck stops there. If this isn’t where your bottom line on this issue rests, then you’re getting it wrong. Period.
2. If you think it’s shocking that some of the code monkeys working on Emerald had grief-genes, you’re an idiot. I assure you, every product on your computer right now likely had griefers or ex-griefers working on it. They just weren’t in charge, weren’t given a lot of power, or were good enough not to get caught. Save your outrage for the next episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey or something.
3. Third Party Viewers are a valuable tool, but they need to be investigated and held to task. Their project managers need to be interviewed and asked hard questions in a civil, responsible way — preferably by the people who claim to be delivering news to our community. If the names don’t mean anything to the average consumer, their reputation and integrity (or lack thereof) within the community needs to be made clear by anyone advocating the product.
4. When warning signs appear and then begin flashing in neon, YOU PAY ATTENTION and don’t just hem and haw and hope it all gets better. You certainly DO NOT put your name and/or reputation behind the mess unless you’re damn sure you’re right.
5. An active griefer is not going to behave just because you like them. Just because they haven’t griefed *you* doesn’t mean you can trust them not to behave like an idiot. Are griefers evil? No. Sometimes they’re even useful in a social way. But they’re generally irresponsible, juvenile and reckless on the fly. These are not the people you want in unchecked positions of responsibly in any format or project. You just don’t let an alcoholic tend bar, ffs.
6. You cannot cry about being deceived if you never did anything to educate yourself as a consumer. If you didn’t know about the Emerald team and used their product anyway, then just shut up and switch to Imprudence with the rest of us. Your right to bitch is exactly zero. Oh, and while you’re at it, check into the Imprudence team — don’t just switch to them blindly.

In the meantime, welcome to one of the big reasons the Second Life community continues to be bad-mouthed in technical and professional circles. When “he’s kind of a friend and I don’t think he’ll do anything bad” trumps obvious warning bells, when consumers bitch and moan but don’t educate themselves on their choices or advocate for their needs, when bloggers and journalists self-promote but don’t even try to get answers to hard questions, when “Ha ha ha you got what you deserved and I hope you all die” counts as a valid part of the general discourse — well, how can you take them seriously?

I’d really like it if we didn’t drive this self-hating cycle into the next race on the same tack. Pretty please? With sugar on top?

So stop crying “poor me,” quit making excuses for fuck-ups, back off blaming the branches and learn to identify the roots of a problem, refrain from engaging the hate-mongers, advocate and educate and just LEARN FROM THE FUCKING MISTAKES ALREADY so we don’t end up back in this same place. Ever. Again.

That is all.

“Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.” ~ Janis Joplin

I’ve gotten a few in-world comments from a couple people who tell me that they can’t bridge the disconnect between my “feminist rants” and my “squee! look how pretty!” posts. My virtual fashion lust, they feel, leads others to “take me less seriously” than they think I deserve. The general sentiment is “you should be doing so much more than wasting your time on all that fashion drama.”

Fashion drama? Kittens, I grew up on teh interwebs back when Mac vs PC flamewars were still defining troll and forum tropes. 4chan vs Scientology is drama. SL fashion is just bored housewives and college students being bratty. It’s not like they’re rioting in the stands over men in shorts kicking around a ball or anything.

I know, from the bottom of my heart, that these individuals are well-intentioned, and they are paying generous compliment to my writing, but seriously, if this is how you feel, just get the fuck out of the 50s already. I read any number of blogs where a guy will frequently weave in boy-squee rants about sports teams or the latest techno widget without blinking; I doubt anyone takes their other content less seriously or tells them to move on from iPhone drama.

So, once more for those in the cheap seats:
Virtual fashion and bouncing in girlish delight over pretty things does not remove anyone’s ability for critical thinking, their professional experience, or demean their sense of self. I am human; I have vanity; I embrace the deadly sin. But it alone does not define me. Or anyone.

Just in case you missed it — I’m a girl (BTW, spare me the mock-feminist outrage of “you’re not a girl, you’re a woman.” Girls are girls; boys are boys. Deal with it.). I grew up playing dress up and outfitting dolls, baking bad cupcakes in a box with a lightbulb, and applying cheap makeup onto a disembodied over-sized Barbie head. I also grew up enamored with Erector sets, Lincoln logs, and Legos, playing video games, watching my uncle rebuild his Shelby Cobra as if he were reassembling the Ark of the Covenant, listening to my Dad’s folk rock and my other uncle’s hard rock, and learning how to bait a hook properly.

The fact that I can rig ballyhoo or gaff a mahimahi in the right way so that it damages as little of the fillet as possible, doesn’t negate that I drool over vintage Chanel. The fact that that the words “Marino from the shotgun” can still give me shivers when I’m watching old games on the NFL channel doesn’t remove the reality that I also hum “I Love Being a Girl” while I’m shopping in SL. I don’t understand why those dots are so hard for some people to connect. And maybe it’s just a vocal minority giving me a skewed perspective. But given the amount of “oh those silly fashion girls” crap I read by people claiming to be taking virtual platforms seriously, I think this type of mindset really is as permeating as it seems.

Avatar customization and character immersion is a huge business model and is going to be for a long time. We’ve already got research that demonstrates the visual representations that people bond with can affect them physically and mentally. Tapping into human vanity is marketing 101 for men and women. Yes, many of “those silly fashion girls” are annoying. They’re also driving our virtual economy. And, I promise you they’re no more or less annoying than listening to some idiot try and outline why Lebron James or Brett Favre is the real anti-Christ. Squeeing over make-believe fashion gimcrack is no different from some blogger blathering about how his new iPhoneX.x is ZOMG! BEST! THING! EVER!

So, fair warning — I’m going to blog about pretty things that make me squee beside, around, and in-between all the other “serious stuff” you’ll find here. Given the amount of things that annoy me in SL, I need the squees. The squees are why I’m still in the format. So if that means you take me less seriously, or feel compelled to remove me from your twitter/blog feeds, have at thee. It’s a free world; you can opt-out and I will muster on with life.

All I ask is that you opt-out in silence and don’t moan about it in my IMs; it kills my vanity-drenched, girl-squee, drama-hopping shopping buzz.

“We were able to convince both Dylan’s management and Sony BMG that this was a perfect project for us. . . . We think (they’ve) done a terrific job of doing a total Bob Dylan promotion. It will be a win-win for everybody involved.” ~ Ken Lombard

Sony YouTube Fail

Okay. Let’s forget the fact that I paid for this song already. On vinyl. On cassette. On CD. Let’s forget the fact that it’s sitting on my living room shelves in two of those three forms and I’m sure the CD is somewhere in a box. Let’s forget that if I wanted to, I could go download it from any number of Chinese sites for free (oh, the blessed irony) without so much as a blip of protest.

IT WAS A BOOTLEG FROM SOMEONE’S PHONE DURING AN IMPROMPTU MOMENT THAT ONLY MATTERS TO FANS. It was shoddy audio, jerky and badly lit. Most people would likely have had a hard time realizing who it was or what song he was singing. Your chance of marketing this in a box set of anything was ten degrees less than nil.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is wrong with you people? How long are you relics going to keep alienating consumers? Get with the friggin’ program.

Whatever the equal is of the ten plagues of Egypt in corporate form, can we please get that started on these boneheads? Let mai Dylan bootleg GO!

(And, yes, you know I’m annoyed when I’m wishing frogs to rain down on people)