Stop Hammer Time

“…most look silly, and others look dumb…”
~ MC Hammer, “Turn This Mutha Out”

Let’s begin this post by stating clearly that I am not opposed to full-figured avatars; I quite like them. Broad hips have been a sign of sensuality and fertility pretty much since the dawn of humankind, and a curvy gal strutting her stuff has my unqualified “you go girl” support. This post is not about projecting a negative body image onto the otherwise hiptastic.

This is not about shape; it’s about style.

I try to keep a sense of humor about some of the trends that pop up in SL “fashion.” When every other blog post in the feeds was some girl sporting elf ears with a hundred piercings, it gave me a chuckle. When the “I’m so hip and urban” kids were constantly wearing their lycan paw boots that make them look like a Budweiser Clydesdale in phat pants, it was a riot. The salvation in those situations that let the amusement flow was the fact that these were niche products by second or third tier designers. No harm. No foul. No need to call in the troops.

However.

When a top designer chases a horrible trend, it stops being funny. Why? Because time wasted making fashion abomination could have gone into something really nummy (like a modern take on Scarlett O’Hara’s beaded burgundy party gown that I’ve been dying for a top quality designer to attempt since…ever!).

So, I have a question. WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS? And THIS? And THIS? And THIS?

This is not a celebration of the female form. This is not emphasizing curvy hips. This is not even drop-crotch low hanging grunge / hip hop baggy retro ickiness. This is some sort of conspiracy or social experiment or mad virtual design serial killer gone wild and the grid needs a serious intervention.

Ladies, please take a long look at your avatars. If someone could ride on your ass like a camel hump and/or if you could pass as a stand-in for Grimace in a McDonald’s commercial, you need help. And it’s okay, we’re here for you. The first step is admitting you have a problem, and well, you’ve seen the photos so that should be easy. The second step is to go into your inventory and do a search for “Spirit Store” and just delete anything that comes up. Sure there might be a good item or two in the mix, but you simply cannot take the chance. Next, drop a notecard on ShaySibrian (creator of Celoe’s Nikola Trousers) and explain to them that you have a problem, but you’re in recovery now and they should not waste another MOMENT of their amazing talent on parachute pants. You bought them while under the possession of a fashion demon or something, but you’re doing much better now and they should not use your pre-exorcism purchase to skew their data in regards to user feedback. There isn’t enough mesh on the grid yet for Hammer pants to get a turn. You don’t want to be responsible for this sticking.

Finally, turn to the mirror and repeat to yourself “The walrus was Paul and if he doesn’t dress like one, neither should I.”

Seriously, kids. It’s all fun and games until someone ends up with cement hips and an ass full of Fix-a-Flat.

If you feel yourself slipping remember that all of the below are BAD BAD BAD:

Saggy Bottoms: What Not To Do

Saggy Bottoms: What Not To Do

And if someone you know is suffering from this affliction, remember: Friends don’t let friends dress like weeble wobbles.

This entry was posted in Fashion SL, Second Life, SL - Shopping, SL - Social Dysfunction, Virtual Living. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Stop Hammer Time

  1. Karl Elvis says:

    All those avatar don’ts look like something my 13 year old daughter would LOVE. Which kind of tells you exactly how terrible they are. B^)

  2. Astryd says:

    OMG really?

  3. Veritable says:

    Oh wow. Those are the pants i hate!!! lol Ive been describing them to people most of 2011. First saw them in a Ciara video “gimme dat” and have never liked them. no no no.

  4. Wearing the parachute pants disguises how wide their hips are set and how you could drive a truck between their thighs. Perhaps that is also the function of the piercings, frowny faces and oversized glasses.. “o hai, if ai make mai glasses big enuff you won’t notice mai freekeh hipz. kthxbai.”

  5. Dale Innis says:

    So! (A) Is this ‘style’ still going on, and (B) does it have an Official Name yet?

    Bizarre as it is, I’m kinda perversely fond of it. Of the fact that it exists, that is. Not that I can imagine wearing it myself….

  6. Pingback: Um, soooo…. « Dale Innis’s Weblog

  7. Pingback: Salome Says »Blog Archive » 12 SL “Fashion” Cliches That Can Die Anytime Now

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