“I was raised to be charming, not sincere.” ~ Cinderella’s Prince’s in Into the Woods (via Stephen Sondheim and James Lapine)

Last night, while updating my virus definitions and doing whatever else it is that virus protection programs do, Avast popped up to remind me that September 19th will be International Talk Like a Pirate Day and cheekily suggested I allow it to install an app that will change my standard “your virus definitions have been updated” voice-over to something a bit more creative. I haven’t really ever had a strong feeling one way or another about virus protection — I go with whatever is recommended to me by geeks I trust to know more than I do. I can say, however, that unless Avast does something pretty stupid or fails in quality, they’ve turned the dial up on my customer loyalty.

There is something about a company exhibiting a sense of charm and whimsy that appeals to me. Something that sends the signal that even though there’s work to be done, we also have to remember to just not take it all so seriously.

I couldn’t help but think of how this relates to the post Grace made yesterday about Solazyme’s President and CTO, Harrison Dillon and the challenges his company faces trying to woo human beings (specifically us American-type meat puppets, but others, too) out of their complacency habits and into a state of enthusiasm for energy solutions to our looming global crisis. Grace’s final comment on the subject is:

What Harrison Dillon, Farmer D, Team HyPower and everyone else trying to make a dent in the sustainability tragedy of the commons is not more untimely and unmanageable legislation – they need help finding ways to make us smile, just like Prius owners.

The video Grace includes focuses more on the ego-feed side of being a Prius driver, but I think ego appeal might take a backseat to the charm factor.

When I think of the brands I’ve viewed positively over the course of my consumerism, I have to say that elements of whimsy and charm play into them in a much bigger way. For example, I started out an Apple girl and stayed one through most of college until a PC was forced on me for financial reasons. For a long time after, even though I worked and owned PCs, I still had a more positive view of Apple. There are many reasons for it, but the truth is that probably the biggest factor was the now-famous 1984 Mac advert. At 12 years old, I had read 1984. I got the commercial and I liked getting it. It was clever and mischievous and an unconscious part of me identified with the type of minds that would put that sort of an ad forth to represent their product. True, it might have feed a small ego thing (and years of Mac vs PC flame wars certainly were ego-intensive), but I don’t think the ego feed was the real factor, especially when you consider it lingered beyond ownership. Years later, despite the fact that Steve Jobs is a micromanaging fruit loop who flirts with Big Brother instincts, I still have a quirky affection for Apple and irrationally fond memories of my old Mac and IIe.

It wasn’t about status. So what was it?

As cars go, although I never owned a Saturn or a PT Cruiser, I’ve had friends who absolutely loved theirs to the point where it became like a pet. That insane kind of “how can you feel this way about an inanimate object” type love. As Grace pointed out, Pruis owners form their own subcultures and cult behaviors around their vehicles. The object becomes imbued with the characteristics we assign to the brand.

Google won people like me hard and early with their colorful logo and their clean page, but what I remember most about that introductory period was the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button. I probably haven’t pressed that button in ten years but I still like that it’s there. I don’t think I’ve used another search engine, other than to compare results since I found Google (in what my memory swears is the end of 1997, but others have insisted to me had to be 1998). It’s silly, when I think about how personally I take it when the Google company does something I disapprove of — but there’s a camaraderie rooted in that “I Feel Lucky” button that lingers.

Someone recently recalled (I’m sorry to admit I don’t remember who or where) the early quirk of humor Linden Lab displayed by putting up the Grid Monkey graphic when the grid would go down unexpectedly. It reminded me of just how amused I was the first time I found that. Unlike now where I’m frustrated and annoyed by every slow grid day and horrific SIM performance day (mostly those that end in Y lately), I used to see that graphic and feel an odd fondness and fellowship. I’m not sure if it was the humor alone, or simply the “yeah, we’re we know, we’re working on it” smirk it conveyed, but something about that graphic inspired a spark in me similar to the one I felt last night when Avast piped up to ask permission to talk like a pirate.

I think companies often forget that we want to like them. We want to approve of them. We want to feel some kindred little sense of whimsy and humor that shows us their products and services are not just grist or machine-work. True, we want to have faith in the products and we want them to work, but we also give a lot more leeway to the brands that charm us. We want to connect via the products to that human factor which assures us someone is at the helm even if we can’t see them — that we’re not just wandering denizens on a ghost ship set to automatic pilot.

I think some of the most lasting ways internet companies build customer loyalty probably start from an idea that springs out of too much caffeine and not enough sleep when one code monkey looks at another code monkey and murmurs “hey, you know what might be fun…?”

More companies need to learn to talk like pirates in the Avast way instead of just the “how do we rob them without them noticing” way. And, if they can get Johnny Depp to talk like a pirate on my computer, so much the better.

Just throwin’ it out there.

“Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experience.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

As part of my new-found desire to try new things, I finally decided to try out the FRAPS program I purchased over two years ago. I’ve always wanted a better way to show movement and some of the other details of virtual goods for consumer reviews and this seems like a good next step. The catch, of course, is that I’m a person who doesn’t like doing things outside my skillset, and I don’t want to pester one of the talented folk who put up with me to capture video for my little squee entries. So, I’m going to *try* and learn how to do this. To make the ensuing hi-jinks really entertaining, I’ve never used hotkeys for my camera controls, so I’ll be learning that, too. This is *not* a professional endeavor — this is the ugly process of an uncoordinated babbling little geek with pixel vanity learning new skills.

Yes, it’s as bad as you’re thinking. Only worse.

For my first video review, I chose the Nyna Bikini from Artilleri and the only hair style from the 2010 Hair Fair I could bring myself to buy — the Del Mar from Surf. Co. If you want to slog through my babble, the video review is here:

I know, I’m sorry, but I warned you it was bad.

In the future I will hopefully be improving on the camera controls and I’ll keep my mouth shut to wheedle the time down to just a snippet as opposed to eight full minuets of agony. I’m counting on my sense of dignity and wanting to not look like a total moron to motivate my skills to improve. However, the stark white backdrop is by choice. My reviews aren’t about splash. I just want to show products so that shoppers can know what to expect from a purchase and then make a choice about whether or not to buy. Clever edits, flashy backgrounds and other effects might look nicer, but my concern is that they’re really just vanity improvements that would interfere with the substance I’m trying to offer. The presentation will, hopefully, get better, but the rest will remain dry as toast.

At any rate, if the video quality didn’t give you what you needed, here’s a few close-up shots for detail. I especially think the shading and fabric textures on the Nyna are worth another long peek:

Nyna Bikini From Artilleri

And the hair:

Surf Co.'s "Del Mar" Hairstyle

That wasn’t so bad. Now where’s my lolly?

Where Does She Get Those Wonderful Toys:

Nyna Retro Bikini – L$150
Artilleri

http://slurl.com/secondlife/artilleri/93/123/26

Del Mar Hairstyle – L$200 (three color shade pack)
Surf Co.

http://slurl.com/secondlife/artilleri/131/175/24

(Currently Only on Display at the Hair Fair)

We are the ones who read as children
We know why the caged bird sings
We know the ruby shoes are silver
We know four hobbits wear the ring

We are the ones who read as children
We know Carroll’s portmanteaus
We know nightingales restore good health
We know where the red fern grows

We are the ones who read as children
We know Charlotte is the clever one
We know bunnies whisper “Goodnight Moon”
We know wax wings should fear the sun

We are the ones who read as children
We know which stars to wish upon
We know Karana has a secret name
We know why Charlie mourns for Algernon

We are the ones who read as children
We know that velveteen is real
We know Mrs. Frisby saves the Rats of NIMH
We know how the silkworm feels

We are the ones who read as children
We are abstract and transcendental
We hide the things that you would steal
We are the angst in existential

We are the ones who read as children
Beneath bridges and bell jars
We are the ones who read as children
And all these worlds are ours

“If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library.” ~ Lily Tomlin

So I’m just going to come right out and say it — I think Hair Fair 2010 sucks. I thought the Shoe Fair sucked. I think most fairs suck. Please stop reading here if you’re scandalized by those statements because you’re not going to be happy by the time I’m done. This is a rant.

When the Hair Fair started, it was a great idea to showcase one of the most addictive delightful pleasures of SL avatar customization: changing our hair at will. Color. Length. Curly. Retro. Pony. Updo. Piggy buns. Pink. Red. Jet. Every woman I know in SL will tell you their hair folder makes up the largest part of their vanity inventory. It’s even worse for those of us who delete nothing. I still have easily a hundred ETD Willow packs. I still cling to my Lash, Calla, and other outdated stuff. I don’t wear it, I just like knowing it’s there.

Yes. I have a problem.

Years ago (wait…how did it become years ago?) the Hair Fair was something that really felt like it was more about the charity than the designers. As the current Hair Fair organizers remind us, the whole point is to come together “as a creative community in one location for a charitable cause.”

Unfortunately, right now the Hair Fair, like nearly every other SL “fair” is just a huge waste of time. It’s a badly designed lag fest housing mostly mediocre content creators. Some of the big names that everyone wears aren’t there. And while a lot of blather gets bandied around about raising money for charity, the truth is that the average SLer could do more if they just made a donation straight to the charity.

This is not a personal attack against any of the individuals who put on the Hair Fair or any other fashion fair. I’m sure it’s hard work and I’m sure it feels thankless most of the time. It must seem very important and personal. I’ll even stipulate for the record that their hearts are probably in the right place. But let’s put the cards on the table. It’s time to call a clusterfuck a cluskerfuck.

Yeah, that’s right. Everything up until this point has been sugar coated. But sugar coating and pretending is what has contributed to letting the premiere event of the SL avatar customization market turn into a day of Wal-Mart watching. No more sugar coating.

The point by point run down.

1. The build. While the industrial tent look is a step above the “Candyland Vomit” theme of last year, it’s completely unshoppable. A system of mazes inside identical looking tents is uninspired and, frankly, idiotic. By all means, let’s take a lag-intensive environment and add to that the confusion of people not being able to keep track of where they’ve already been. Seriously? I was there 10 minutes and never stopped wanting to slap people.

2. The attending vendors. Let’s be blunt. 90% of the vendors at this year’s Hair Fair are presenting merchandise WAY below market quality. 90% is, going by the demos, generous. Which might be okay if their prices were also way below market, but they’re not. No, it wouldn’t be okay, even then. If you purchased hair at the Hair Fair this year, odds are your avatar is either really quirky or embarrassingly out of date. Like Philip Linden out of date. The stuff that isn’t out of date was largely ridiculous. Those participating creators who are producing market-quality work obviously shared a memo to release Hair Fair novelties instead of anything fashion worthy. I enjoy a good birdcage on my head as much as the next girl, but Whiskey Tango Foxtrot were most of you drinking when you came up with this stuff? Forgiving the “runway” hair that is only going to look good for the five minutes you’re standing still to take a photo, there were offerings that Dr Seuss characters wouldn’t be caught dead in. While they certainly are fine for freebies and laughs, I can’t imagine they sold in big numbers, raised the bar on creativity, or brought in much for charity. So…what’s the point? “Hey look, I can make a grandfather clock and you can wear it like hair.” Never stop slapping people.

3. Seaweed hair and other out-of-date texturing. Those of you making this stuff? Cut that shit out already. 2008 is on the phone to let you know you’re dated. If you’re still making and selling hair that looks like Linden trees or has that fresh-from-Photoshop gradient shine over motion blur filters — JUST STOP and go do something else with your time. Those friends telling you how much they like your stuff are lying to you. And I’m not even going to address those of you not using sculpts or flex prims because you all just need more slapping. It’s nice that you want to skill up. Go do that more and we’ll love you when you get back.

4. The non-attending vendors. When Stiletto Moody and Maitreya were not represented at the Shoe Fair and Shiny Things only displayed a prior release, I raised an eyebrow. But it was the Shoe Fair, so who cared? Now, however, we’re at the Hair Fair and Maitreya is once again not in residence, nor is Truth.

So here’s a fun fact: if you’re organizing a convention for a niche market and you can’t get the biggest names in that niche on board — even for charity — you are DOING SOMETHING WRONG. I don’t know the details. I don’t want to know. I don’t have to know. When you’re running the show, it’s your job to bring the big names to the gate and make them run around the oval with all the other ponies. If the big names aren’t interested, your little game is mediocre and not addressing the market in any significant way. I know more than anyone that designers can be demanding, drama-drenched, frustrating snits. But wooing them is the gig. Don’t take the gig if you can’t do the gig and don’t put on the show, if the show isn’t going to shoot for par or higher.

5. The non-attending big name vendors “stick it” attitudes. So during the Shoe Fair, Maitreya had a huge sale. As far as I know, it was the first sale in the history of their product line. I know there were days where I had to chain smoke TPs to get onto the Sim and I can’t imagine that didn’t put a big dent in Shoe Fair traffic. Truth had a sale that ended the day before the Hair Fair started. Truth has put out ten new releases since the Hair Fair began — one of which is a project for a charity that has nothing to do with the Hair Fair’s chosen charity. Maybe it’s all a coincidence. No. No it’s not. It’s obvious and deliberate and we can’t help but notice. Which means fair organizers not only failed to woo the biggest names in their genres, but they seem to have inspired the big names to compete against them. Once again, for those keeping score at home, this is an example of DOING IT WRONG.

6. The lackluster attitude toward charity. One of the really inspiring things about the Second Life community is that there is a sense of wanting to do good. We’re geeks and vanity girls, but we like to support causes. It fills us with happy. Charity is big in the hearts of SLers. But there is a sense lately that a lot of charity awareness and fund-raising is a sort of “going through the motions” effort by organizers to socially obligate participants and gain a promotional edge for their events. There isn’t a sense of charity, but a sense of lip service to a charity while they flog and flutter.

***EDITORIAL NOTE WITHIN THE RANT***

Wigs for Kids is a wonderful concept and it suits the Hair Fair perfectly. Go there now and make a donation if you can, even if it means you skip Starbucks on the way to work this week. They’re little kids with cancer and this project helps them maintain a healthy sense of self-worth while their little bodies heal from radiation and other horrible things little kids shouldn’t have to endure. Just go donate.

***END NOTE***

The thing is, if you do something for charity, that means you do it right. You don’t just toss out kiosks and have mediocre designers donate 50% of the sales from their least popular hairstyle. And, I have a question: how much of the “Participation Fees” are going to Wigs For Kids? Is it 100%? I couldn’t find that information on any part of the site. Shouldn’t that be a front-and-center statement for any charity event? 100% of all event-raised funds go directly to the charity? Yes? No? Maybe? You lead by example and there’s nothing that shows me what the “leaders” are doing. It’s all very “minimum requirement” mindset when you read the site. I mean, look at how aggressive this type of statement comes off: “This is how it is done, no exceptions will be made, and again, your deposit is non-refundable and considered a donation. We thank you for your contribution to this cause,”. You can be all bitchy about rules, but you can’t be bothered to put donation figures up for transparency sake? I’d like to see a declaration on the site that shows 100% of all participation fees go directly to the charity. I would email the organizers to get this information, but the point is I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO. Are you happy? You make me use caps. Like an unhinged flame warrior. This is where you people have driven me.

*EDIT: Please see comments for more on this. 100% of participation fees from 2010 Hair Fair *are* going to Wigs For Kids.

7. The attitude of the language on the Hair Fair 2010 official site. Passive-aggressive sorority brats are more tactful. Maybe this is a clue as to why some of the most high profile members of the community aren’t participating? I’m a sarcastic bitch on my blog, but it’s my blog, not the charity event I’m organizing. Maybe if a few more egos got left at the door, this event would go back to being a showplace and not an embarrassment. When the attitude of the site radiates “the community needs us more than we need the community” that’s not a good sign. In need of slapping. Lots and lots of slapping.

8. The rules on the Hair Fair 2010 official site. You have to read the FAQ page to really savor just how “our way or the highway” things get. The delusions of adequacy and self-importance drip from every corner of the language. The “secrecy” around the build (tents? really? there had to be secrecy for tents?), the hostility toward designers and bloggers, the lack of accommodation for anyone who operates a professional brand — it’s all unnecessary and draws focus on all the wrong things. The restrictions and attitude clearly indicate the organizers felt their convenience and self-serving rules were more important than anything else going on. If I made hair I wouldn’t participate under these rules. I certainly wasn’t going to follow their manifesto for “acceptance” to participate on Blogger’s Day. It reads like a clutch of PTA moms trying to jockey for alpha bitch of the bake sale. And failing.

9. The demo group paradox. This was a brilliant idea that allows shoppers to get DEMOS ahead of time so that they can just TP in and grab the hairstyles they want without lagging up the Sims. FANTABULOUS!

So wait — why do we need the fair location again? Why not just donate the money that would have gone to the fair set-up, release the demos, and let designers put up donation kiosks and vendors at their own locations? Use the website as a clearinghouse and central location for participant information. Then, the designers would be getting exposure for their store locations while still participating in the charity and there’s no laggy, badly designed SIM to navigate. You did the math and made the demo group, so let’s carry the one and take that next “we don’t need no stinkin’ location, we can embrace the unique strengths of our virtual environment” logical step.

10. The total lack of quality control. You’re a non-Linden organization. You don’t have to make sure every kid gets to bat. You can be bad Mommy and tell the kindergartners that while their macaroni necklaces are special, they don’t get to hang them up on Christian Dior mannequins. If you’re not going to be willing to bruise a few egos (and, obviously you are, because I’ve read your site) to maintain the integrity of the products being presented at your event, what exactly are all your pissy rules trying to accomplish? You can be tactful and say no to maintain the integrity of your presentation. Honest, you can.

11. Hair. Only hair. Nothing but hair. Oh, and bandannas. This is just off the top of my head (See what I did there? I’m trying to keep my sense of humor about all this…), but maybe if hair accessories and other hair-related crafters were allowed to participate we wouldn’t be witnessing such a nadir of quality from designers no one has head of. Just a thought.

I know I should have a 12 to make it seem even, but I’d just have to make it up — and let’s face it — several of these 11 are mostly just addressing how bad the majority of the participating creators were and how hostile the organizers seem.

Yes, this all reads mean spirited on my part. I’ll take that hit. There’s no joy for me in hurting people’s feelings and I sincerely hope that anyone who feels a sting from my words will be able to swallow hard and see the real purpose isn’t to attack, but to demand a higher standard. You don’t just sit around and let people embarrass themselves and their community by throwing marshmallows. There’s no crying in Hair Fair.

You’re either going to take virtual goods and their markets seriously, or you’re not. If you don’t, then there’s nothing to be upset about. If you do, then you needed what I said here right between your textured-on eyes.

I spend a lot of time — have spent a lot of time — trying to engage people in debate and convince them that avatar customization can be a sophisticated market; that virtual fashion isn’t just about a bunch of Wal-Mart moms wrapping themselves up in tacky ball gowns and stripper heels. I believe there must be consumer advocacy for virtual goods. I believe virtual fashion is something that women will lead with and be empowered by. And when I see the biggest ball on the biggest field get dropped by the biggest players, it really pisses me off. I want to slap until I can’t slap no more.

Deep. Slow. Cleansing. Breaths.

So okay. Let’s Reshuffle. Rethink. This decline cannot continue. If you’re participating in the organization of a future “Fair” event, here is your assignment — repeat it to yourself until it becomes your mantra:

1. Charity is not a side dish; it’s a main course. It will be treated like one.
2. Quality matters. It just does. Raise the bar.
3. I will invite and energize the community; I will not just dictate terms.
4. I will hire a copywriter who doesn’t sound like they have a stick up their ass.
5. I need the big names more than they need me. I will kiss ass and make exceptions when I have to. This isn’t about my ego, this is about doing things right and getting the right people involved.
6. I will stop thinking inside the box. I will stop building boxes because other people are expecting boxes. I don’t have to do things the way others did just because they did it first. I can innovate. I will evolve.
7. I will know the market I am showcasing and I will demonstrate respect for those who create and foster that market.
8. I will not make Salome want to slap me ever again.

When I link to this article next year, the word “squee” had better be a significant contribution to the bulk of my language.

Look. No one is saying everything has to be perfect. Aiming high means that a few things might fail. But you aim high, and if you fail your extra credit covers the fall. Do it right or don’t do it at all. It’s just that simple.

“In a controversy, the instant we feel anger, we have already ceased striving for truth and have begun striving for ourselves” ~ Abraham J. Heschel

Today, Linden Lab announced they will be banning log-ins from the popular, but discredited Emerald Viewer. The official statement can be read here but I managed to get a copy of the more accurate (and entirely imaginary) rough draft.

Finally Getting Rid of Those Damn Kids
The Pitfalls of Not Offering The Best Possible Product To Our Own Customers
An Open Apology To Our Users For Not Meeting Their Needs & Forcing Them Into Third Party Software Options
Emerald Viewer to be Blocked From Second Life

As of 10am PT Wednesday, September 8, the Emerald Viewer will be blocked from logging in to Second Life because it was developed and maintained by a bunch of untrustworthy children as a result of violations of our Policy on Third Party Viewers. Residents who have been using any version of the Emerald Viewer instead of our horrible clusterfuck of a product will need to use a different Viewer to access Second Life. You can download the official Second Life Viewer, developed by Linden Lab, here. We know it’s a crap viewer, but we spent a lot of money on it and we have to keep pimping it because corporate says so. Or you can learn more about alternative Viewers, which is really your only choice at this point, developed by third parties, here. There are several new Viewers listed in the TPV Directory, so there are many alternatives available to you other than our horrible product which we can’t see spending any more money on to improve since you people complain no matter what we do.

We eventually take Residents’ privacy, safety, and security very seriously given enough public pressure and will take action to enforce the policies that help protect it with the same speed and efficiency as we do everything else. As our CEO, Philip Rosedale, has blogged about, we recently removed the Emerald Viewer from our Third-Party Viewer Directory due to violations of our Policy on Third-Party Viewers. Also it made his system hair look even worse and more out of touch.

Since then, we have issued ultimatums been in communication with the Emerald development team and have requested several changes in order to remedy violations of our policy, including changes necessary to meet our privacy requirements, and to address GPL license violations. Knowing they were as dysfunctional as we are, we figured that would be the end of it. Unfortunately, the team was unable to comply within a stipulated time frame and resorted to cannibalism and speaking in tongues. As a result, we have decided to block logins from the Emerald Viewer in order to protect our Residents — not enough to improve the quality of our own product and negate the need for third party viewers, but just enough to make people stop yelling at us and stick it to those damn kids who keep letting people think they should be able to have positive experiences on the grid. All versions of the Emerald Viewer will be blocked from logging in to Second Life as of tomorrow at 10am. Please be aware that attempting to circumvent our blocking to access Second Life with a banned Viewer is a violation of the Policy on Third-Party Viewers and may result in the loss of one’s account. And this is actually something we plan to enforce, unlike most of the other stuff we just talk about and never do.